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Creating Sustainable Change
I mean, not just checking things off a to-do list or focusing on an employee survey score and raising it. This is about really feeling a sense of awe because together you did something different this time. You found the high leverage points to achieve success. You had real conversations with your co-workers that inspired creative thinking. There was no fear of conflict and you eliminated surface talk. It can happen. It does happen. Are you up for it?
Understanding & Managing Your Triggers
I was in a conversation with two of my dearest friends yesterday and I was triggered by something one of my friends said. I could feel a stir in my stomach and a slow steady rise of heat coming to my throat.
I don’t know what stars were aligned yesterday that allowed me to pause and notice that I was getting triggered, but I’ll take whatever it was because it prevented me from doing the less conscious thing: react immediately and say something I might regret.
Think of a trigger like an internal switch. It gets switched on when we react to something. It’s usually something we don’t like or have a negative reaction to. Triggers left unattended can turn into anger, sarcasm, or other negative or potentially harmful consequences.
Learning to become aware of when we’re triggered is an important part of increasing our self awareness and emotional intelligence. It also increases our ability to communicate honestly and authentically with others, and build and foster trusting relationships.
Trigger Management
“Trigger Management” requires a certain level of inner quiet and self reflection to understand what the trigger is about. But first, a few things have to happen.
1) We have to notice in the first place that we’re being triggered. If we have a certain level of awareness, we should notice a change in our body somewhere. Some examples: tightness in the chest, lump in the throat, stir in the stomach, sweat in the palms, racing in the heart. Our bodies can be a first signal/communication that we’re being triggered and we don’t like what we’re hearing, experiencing, or seeing.
2) Once we recognize that we’re getting triggered, we have an opportunity to pause. A very helpful thing to do is simply breathe. One deep breathe is good, three is great. This gives us some separation from the trigger and allows us to recognize it and not avoid it through reaction.
3) After we pause, you can then explore the trigger, but the exploration process depends on the situation you’re in. The ultimate situation is the one I was in yesterday. I was with two of my dearest friends, our level of trust with one another is as high as it can get, we’ve known each other for years, and we have no hidden agendas with one another. So I was able to actually state out loud, “I’m getting triggered by something you just said and I’m just wondering what that is.” We paused, I recognized the exact statement that triggered me and what it was triggering (in my case, my feelings were hurt), and we talked it through. And 3 minutes later, my trigger went away, we dropped it and moved on.
Other situations, like in the heat of things at work or when you’re with your boss, aren’t conducive for saying, “I’m getting triggered by something and I’d like to explore what that is.” Saying that in certain situations can get your job triggered! In those situations, here’s what I recommend you do:
- Notice you’re getting triggered
- Take a few breaths
- Be careful about your next move: words, reactions or making decisions. Most important: don’t act or react from a place of being triggered. It will most likely be a heated or energized response that could be blurred or lack objectivity.
- Try to contain your trigger and separate from it, and deal with it later where you can explore it.
The Exploration Process
When you do have time to explore the trigger, ask yourself a few questions:
- What was the exact thing (words, actions, experience, etc.) that started the trigger?
- What is it about that particular thing that triggers me?
- What is my story about that kind of thing?
- Have I ever been triggered by this in the past, or something similar?
- Where might that pattern come from?
- What would it take for me to not be triggered by this “thing?” (remember, the answer can’t be anything like: that person goes away, that person stops the behavior, that person/thing/situation changes – so I don’t have to deal with it!)
- What’s at risk if I let go of my attachment or belief to the story I have about that “thing?”
Projection
The most important thing to remember about triggers is not to project on to others. You know you’re projecting when you wish someone or something would be different. You hear yourself saying things like, “If only they weren’t like x, y, z.” ”If only she were a different.” Whenever you project, you’re avoiding your own stuff, and probably not taking ownership of your own triggers.
I encourage you to pay attention in the next week and see if you can recognize when you’re getting triggered. Also, do some reflection to ask yourself if there is a pattern in the types of things that cause you to get triggered, and explore that pattern more deeply. When you “strike when the iron is cold” you can separate from the story/trigger/pattern and see what it will take to shift that pattern for yourself so you’re no longer triggered by it.
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