• Creating Sustainable Change

  I mean, not just checking things off a to-do list or focusing on an employee survey score and raising it. This is about really feeling a sense of awe because together you did something different this time. You found the high leverage points to achieve success. You had real conversations with your co-workers that inspired creative thinking. There was no fear of conflict and you eliminated surface talk. It can happen. It does happen. Are you up for it?

10 Questions I Ask When I’m Stuck

 

Questions fuel and expand conversation. They broaden perspective. They give us insight. They challenge us. They help us get to know each other better. They help us get to know ourselves better.

Questions are expansive and put us in a curious and learning space.  I design and facilitate leadership meetings almost weekly.  In these, I’m never not surprised at how little time is spent in inquiry and how much time is spent in advocacy.  Without asking questions, we can’t go deeper into what’s trying to get our attention or what wants to be learned.

Sometimes I get stuck, personally or professionally, and when I do, I find I turn to questions to help guide me into a deeper space of inquiry. I have many questions I turn to, but these 10 questions seem to be the ones I use over and over again. I got them from Debbie Ford in her book: The Right Questions. I originally read this when it was first released in 2004 because the book title itself caught my attention. I thought, “Oh great, this will be a resource for me in my coaching.” And it has been. But most of all, it’s been a valuable resource in my life.  I use these questions when I need to make difficult choices or don’t know what to choose.  Sometimes just a few of these questions help me make better decisions moment to moment, like, “Do I need to watch another hour of TV tonight?” or “Can I skip working out today since I had such a tough day?”

Give these a read and see what comes up for you:

1.     Will this choice propel me towards an inspiring future or will it keep me stuck in the past?

2.     Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment or will it bring me short-term gratification?

3.     Am I standing in my own power or trying to please someone else?

4.     Am I looking for what’s right or what’s wrong?

5.     Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve or will I use it to beat myself up?

6.     Does this choice empower me or disempower me?

7.     Is this an act of self-love or it is an act of self-sabotage?

8.     Am I choosing from my divinity or from my humanity?

9.     Will this choice add to my life force or will it rob me of energy?

10.   Is this an act of faith or is it an act of fear?

So here’s my question to you:  what comes up for you when you read these?  Are they helpful?  Timely?  Can you share them with someone who’s dealing with a difficult situation or choice?  Let me know your thoughts….and most of all, let me know what questions you have.

 

A Potato Dumpling Made Me a Better Person

Every Easter, it’s tradition in my family to do a Polish Feast.  My mom is 100% Polish and my dad is 100% Italian.  Only on this holiday does Polish food trump Italian cuisine in our household.  Growing up, Easter was the time we’d load up in the car to drive to the South side of Chicago to get real traditional Polish treats so they could be blessed in the basket the Saturday before Easter.  I watched my mom in awe as she spoke Polish across the deli counter, adding one delicacy after another to our cart.  When we were done it was full of fresh and smoked kilbasa, a giant piece of ham, eggs, rye bread, and the fixings to make fresh potato dumplings and pierogi (my favorites) and authentic borscht soup.  Paul, my British boyfriend, was the first guest in the DeSalvo household to ever like this tangy, vinegar based soup.  I’m quite proud.

My mom would labor for a week in preparation and I would take delight in being a helping hand and taste tester.   Now in her 80’s, we have passed on this labor of love to an authentic Polish restaurant in Chicago for our annual feast:  Staropolska.

With all this waiting for me on Easter Day, why would Paul and I decided to start a 21 DAY Detox cleanse a week before Easter?

Believe me, I asked myself that several times during the feast.  On the 7^th day of our detox, while my family feasted on the massive Polish carb fest we call tradition, I sat there and watched while I ate my steamed vegetables.

Sigh.

 

Discipline and discernment.  Discipline and discernment. (more on this in a minute)

My will was strong throughout the dinner

but those damn potato dumplings kept looking at me.

My brother said a bite wouldn’t hurt.  My dad thought we were nuts.  My sister rolled her eyes.  43 years of enjoying potato dumplings was wired in my brain and my mouth was salivating.

I’ve been fascinated with the principles of Buddhism for years and have read a lot of Buddhism books.  The latest, “Ruling Your Mind” is one of my favorites particularly because it reminds me of the use of discipline and discernment in my life.

Staring a potato dumpling down, I knew I needed both.

Here’s what I’m learning about myself.  The times when I practice discipline and discernment together, are some of the most joyous times in my life.  Even though I tend to rebel against structure and boundaries, I often, especially when self-imposed, benefit from them.

So it really makes me wonder:  do I practice enough discipline and discernment in my daily life?  Where could I use more of it?   Is there anywhere I use too much of it?

In a time when so much is coming at us, so much information is available, there are so many things fighting for our attention and pocket book, we need discipline and discernment to make choices that are aligned with our values and what’s most important to us.

Doing this cleanse is important to me.  But it’s important because it’s anchored in my core values; standards that I live by:  compassion, generosity, responsibility, passion, creativity, communication and inspiration just to name a few.  I know that I could be stronger, mentally and physically,  and this cleanse is a way of hitting the reset button.  It will clear out the “sludge” and renew my energy, clear my head and restore my body’s ability to naturally heal itself.  It will allow me to let out my best self in my work and my life so I can live my life in integrity with my values.

Some days it’s really hard, cleanse or no cleanse, to make the right choices.  With so many choices on where to put my attention, sometime laziness wins and I might watch TV instead of reading or leveraging my creativity in some new way.  I may buy something I don’t need.  Or widdle away time surfing social media sites.

I think the toughest part of discernment is to decide how I want to spend my energy and what I want to feed your head with.  It’s about making choices every day that align with my core values and what’s true to me.  It’s about fighting laziness through discipline.  It’s about honoring boundaries and accepting limits.  With so much demand on us, it’s hard to do that.  For some of us, it’s hard to say no to others.  For others, it’s hard to fight bad habits that we know are no good for us.  And for some, at the end of the day, we just want to chill out and shut off.  (I can relate.)  When we give into laziness, we’re not letting out our full potential or leveraging our best self.  And the bummer part is, whatever we feed our bodies (and minds) with, brings cravings of more of the same.

I’ve realized how important values are as they give me the power to discern between what’s right for me and what’s not right for me.  But without the discipline to act on the discernment, discernment alone can be useless.

So as I stared at the potato dumpling, I knew that eating it would go directly against the recommendations and boundaries of the cleanse.  Somehow I mustered the discipline to stick with it.  But I will admit, I was distracted several times during dinner.

What role does the combination of discernment and discipline play in your life?  Where could you use more of this dynamic duo?

I know for me, one of the greatest lessons I learned on Easter was that I could have used a little more discernment in scheduling this cleanse to start 3 weeks before Easter.  Note to self for next year.

But I want to thank that plump and fully potato dumpling.  It gave me an opportunity to practice some discipline and stay true to what’s most important to me.  Every time I exercise discipline and discernment to be in integrity with myself, I’m a better person.  But I am counting the days until next Easter.

 

 

Great Polish Food in Chicago:  Staropolska:  3028 Milwaukee Ave.

Detox Your Body and Restore It’s Natural Ability to Heal Itself:  Clean (book) by Dr. Junger or www.cleanprogram.com (I’m doing the book version)

(what an odd combo of listings,  huh?)

Why Getting My Cell Phone Stolen in Brussels Was a Good Thing

Of course, when it happened, I panicked. Identity theft, the loss of connection, and just feeling violated all swirled at once. And then I learned I didn’t have the “find my iPhone” feature turned on, which would have wiped out everything on my phone with a push of a button. So, someone in Brussels is enjoying a lot of goofy pictures and the latest version of Angry Birds.

After I shut the phone service down and took some safety precautions, I watched the rest of my family and colleagues play on their phones as I tried to think about how to face the next 7 days without a phone. How would I check client email during the day to make sure I was on top of things? How would I post pics on Facebook to let the world know what I was up to? What if I got lost in Brussels and needed to GPS myself? How the heck was I to check the weather so I could dress appropriately each day? And, almost as an after thought, “how the heck am I going to call anyone?”

After a good night’s sleep, I sloughed off the loss as it was out of my control. Being out of the country, I couldn’t just go buy another cell phone. So I had to ride this out.

Day one was tough.   I wanted to take pictures of everything and post them instantly. I wanted to check email and make sure my clients weren’t dying without me. I wanted to yelp the perfect place for Mussels in Brussels. And I wanted to ring everyone else’s necks as they were doing all of the above on their phones while I sat there and watched. I honestly felt out of control. Each time I did, I took a deep breath, let go and looked at the world around me. I was in a new city and was discovering its character.

Day two was tough, but easier. As I surrendered to the situation, I started to ease up on needing to be connected. I still reached in my pocket for each photographic moment. It’s kind of like driving a stick for years and getting in an automatic; I was still pushing on a clutch that didn’t exist. But because I had no phone, during “down moments” I had no choice but to look around. While my boyfriend was spending many minutes uploading photos or checking maps, I looked up. And over. And all around. I started to notice things up “there” that I didn’t notice the days before my phone was stolen. I noticed that even the MOVEMENT of looking up felt strange on my neck and head. I’m so used to looking “down” at my phone.

Days three – seven. Here’s the cool thing. After three days, I rarely missed my phone. A sense of calm came over me. I knew at the end of the night, my laptop would be there for me to do anything I needed. So I left my connection time for one time a night and stayed connected to the environment around me instead. One day Paul and I found a lovely pub in Bruges. When Paul excused himself to go to the restroom, I still put my foot on the clutch. But without my phone, I again looked around and up. And over. And met some lovely people who were locals that I would have never met had I buried my head in my phone. I learned about the history of Bruges from them. I met a man whose father served in World War II and how this man cares for him every day. He lived around the corner from the pub and lived in Bruges all his life. I felt the rhythm of the place. I felt present. I felt in it with them. And they seemed to be in it with me too. Many conversations, many friends made, and many moments of just listening and observing the world around me.

How does getting your cell phone stolen, help your diet?

Other funny things happened. Believe it or not, I ate less. How does getting your cell phone stolen, help your diet? Because I was more present with where I was, I was way more attentive to what was in front of me. I wasn’t mindless eating while checking the phone. The noise in my head got quieter. I had more space. More space meant more relaxation. The more relaxed I was, the less I needed to partake in mindless activity to keep the noise levels high. So, shoving peanuts in my mouth, while checking my phone, while Paul was in the restroom, didn’t occur.

The other thing that happened is that I discovered that the world goes on without me.

In seven days, there was not an email that needed me to respond to it sooner than I did. There was not a Facebook post that got lost in the shuffle because I posted “too late.” And the places that wanted to be discovered, were discovered the old fashioned way, by walking, paying attention, and following our noses.

Upon returning home from Europe, I promptly bought a new IPhone. I was leaving the very next day for a business trip and couldn’t fathom traveling on business without it. But I’m determined to bring this valuable lesson, this gift that was given to me by some faceless pickpocketer in the Gare du Midi Station, into my daily life. So far so good. It’s spring in Chicago and everything is blooming. I can’t imagine walking through our beautiful neighborhood and not looking up.

 

Understanding & Managing Your Triggers

I was in a conversation with two of my dearest friends yesterday and I was triggered by something one of my friends said.  I could feel a stir in my stomach and a slow steady rise of heat coming to my throat.

I don’t know what stars were aligned yesterday that allowed me to pause and notice that I was getting triggered, but I’ll take whatever it was because it prevented me from doing the less conscious thing:  react immediately and say something I might regret.

Think of a trigger like an internal switch.  It gets switched on when we react to something.  It’s usually something we don’t like or have a negative reaction to.  Triggers left unattended can turn into anger, sarcasm, or other negative or potentially harmful consequences.

Learning to become aware of when we’re triggered is an important part of increasing our self awareness and emotional intelligence.  It also increases our ability to communicate honestly and authentically with others, and build and foster trusting relationships.

Trigger Management

“Trigger Management” requires a certain level of inner quiet and self reflection to understand what the trigger is about.  But first, a few things have to happen.

1)  We have to notice in the first place that we’re being triggered.  If we have a certain level of awareness, we should notice a change in our body somewhere.  Some examples:  tightness in the chest, lump in the throat, stir in the stomach, sweat in the palms, racing in the heart.  Our bodies can be a first signal/communication that we’re being triggered and we don’t like what we’re hearing, experiencing, or seeing.

2)  Once we recognize that we’re getting triggered, we have an opportunity to pause.  A very helpful thing to do is simply breathe. One deep breathe is good, three is great.  This gives us some separation from the trigger and allows us to recognize it and not avoid it through reaction.

3)  After we pause, you can then explore the trigger, but the exploration process depends on the situation you’re in.  The ultimate situation is the one I was in yesterday.  I was with two of my dearest friends, our level of trust with one another is as high as it can get, we’ve known each other for years, and we have no hidden agendas with one another.  So I was able to actually state out loud, “I’m getting triggered by something you just said and I’m just wondering what that is.”  We paused, I recognized the exact statement that triggered me and what it was triggering (in my case, my feelings were hurt), and we talked it through.  And 3 minutes later, my trigger went away, we dropped it and moved on.

Other situations, like in the heat of things at work or when you’re with your boss, aren’t conducive for saying, “I’m getting triggered by something and I’d like to explore what that is.”  Saying that in certain situations can get your job triggered!  In those situations, here’s what I recommend you do:

• Notice you’re getting triggered
• Take a few breaths
• Be careful about your next move:  words, reactions or making  decisions. Most important:  don’t act or react from a place of being triggered.  It will most likely be a heated or energized response that could be blurred or lack objectivity.
• Try to contain your trigger and separate from it, and deal with it later where you can explore it.

The Exploration Process

When you do have time to explore the trigger, ask yourself a few questions:

• What was the exact thing (words, actions, experience, etc.) that started the trigger?
• What is it about that particular thing that triggers me?
• What is my story about that kind of thing?
• Have I ever been triggered by this in the past, or something similar?
• Where might that pattern come from?
• What would it take for me to not be triggered by this “thing?”  (remember, the answer can’t be anything like:  that person goes away, that person stops the behavior, that person/thing/situation changes – so I don’t have to deal with it!)
• What’s at risk if I let go of my attachment or belief to the story I have about that “thing?”

Projection

The most important thing to remember about triggers is not to project on to others.  You know you’re projecting when you wish someone or something would be different.  You hear yourself saying things like, “If only they weren’t like x, y, z.”  ”If only she were a different.”  Whenever you project, you’re avoiding your own stuff, and probably not taking ownership of your own triggers.

I encourage you to pay attention in the next week and see if you can recognize when you’re getting triggered.   Also, do some reflection to ask yourself if there is a pattern in the types of things that cause you to get triggered, and explore that pattern more deeply.   When you “strike when the iron is cold” you can separate from the story/trigger/pattern and see what it will take to shift that pattern for yourself so you’re no longer triggered by it.

Deep Listening

I have learned a few things over the years about listening and communication.

• People want to be heard and if you give them a chance to share, they will.
• The quality of your questions determine the quality of the conversation.
• The quality of your energy and presence has a direct impact on what is shared.
• The way you listen determines what you really hear.

In a world of sound bytes, rapid pace, and electronic connection, we’re losing our ability to listen. It is only through this ability that real innovation, change, and relationship can happen.

Here are some suggestions on how to enhance our listening skills at home and in our organizations.

People want to be heard

Most often I find that my clients, who really feel they’re good listeners and generally are good listeners, have not set up the right structures or environment for listening and sharing to really happen. Intentions are good, but we unconsciously block what we’re trying to allow.

Here are some easy changes you can make:

Meeting structures and agendas: do we allow time to check in and check out and let people share what’s going on in life as well as work before we “get down to work?”

Do we have spaces in our office that invite conversation and sharing to happen? Not meeting rooms: conversation rooms – places to rest and share and reflect together without tables or physical barriers that come between people?

Do we commit to and stick to one on one time with each other and allow ourselves to witness, learn and share?

Are our large scale meetings set up for sharing and conversation or just top down feedback and data dump?

When have we last asked the question:  “what would it take for us to create an environment that increases our ability to listen and share?”

Quality Questions

Learning how to ask quality questions takes years of practice. Quality questions are those that cause someone to pause….to take a deep breathe and reflect. You know you’ve asked a quality question when the person responds, “Wow. That’s a really good question.”

As part of my consulting process, I conduct stakeholder interviews. By asking a group of individuals the same questions, we can discover patterns in the system and understand what is trying to emerge. I have found that the order of these questions also makes a difference as we want to create a safe and comfortable place for storytelling to happen and for truth to be spoken.

Here are some of my favorite questions (many from which came from The Presencing Institute.) What are yours? Be disciplined about reflecting on your inquiry skills and think about what questions change conversations and create connections and which ones don’t.

1. Describe your leadership journey and how you got to “here”
2. What significant challenges have you experienced in this journey and how did you deal with those challenges?
3. What are your core values in life? What’s most important to you?
4. If you were to give your child advice for living in one word, what word would you choose?
5. What is a life motto or words you live by?
6. In order for you to be successful, what do you need to learn and what do you need to let go of?
7. What wants to happen here? What is waiting to emerge if we just let it?
8. Why are you here and what do you want?

The quality of your energy and presence

I just had the privilege of spending the day with Otto Scharmer from the Presencing Institute, an event hosted by The Heartland Institute.

I believe he said it best:  we need to move from “I think, therefore I am” (Descartes) to “I attend this way therefore it emerges that way.”

I have learned time and time again, that what I do before a conversation, interview or a day with a group, affects the quality of my energy and presence during the interaction.

Too many times I had an early morning interview or session and my typical habits got the best of me: I’m not a morning person, I wake up late, I have to skip meditation and yoga practice, and I rush out to the door to walk in right when we’re about to start.

NOT GOOD.

In fact, it’s down right irresponsible of me.

I’m still learning, but what I do know is that spending time to tend to the quality of my own presence has a direct impact on every interaction I have. So, at a minimum, I take a breath, try to find a quiet space by myself, and clear my head. Ideally, I spend 30 minutes meditating, do my yoga practice, sip my coffee slowly, fuel with a healthy breakfast, and create a sense of presence.

But this is just the beginning.  A great beginning, but just the start.  This requires a life review in many respects.  How does our life style impact our inner state?  Do we create space for reflection, exercise, balance, creativity?  Do we have routines in place that allow for reflection and growth.  You’ll be amazed at how your state of mind affects how you see the world AND the energy and the interactions around you.

We need to slow down to speed up. Our bodies, hearts, mind and spirit are dying for us to give them some breathing space. When you do, you’ll be amazed at how different your experience and outcome is.

The Way We Listen

Listening is a skill that is learned. Leaders and practitioners who are skilled at listening, can clear the way for greatness to happen.

Otto, in his book The U Theory, describes four levels of listening. I think most of us get stuck in the first two:

1. Downloading: listening from a place of knowing and reconfirming your own world views. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that already” is the inner voice.
2. Factual: paying attention to facts, words, data only and comparing it to what you already know – is it similar or different. “Look at that: this is similar or different to what I think” and you respond based on that similarity or difference.
3. Empathic: we listen from a deeper level of understanding – a place of connection with someone else or something else and connect from a deep place. This is where true dialogue can happen and often, when it does, profound shifts are made in both parties. “I know how you feel” is often the sense.  We forget ourselves in the conversation and create space.
4. Generative: By the end of the conversation, you’re no longer the same person. Generative listening changes people because it requires us to listen from a source deep within us – one not controlled by our head or even our heart – but from a capacity to connect to the highest future possibility or something that wants to emerge.

Every time I talk to someone, I try to check in on my quality of listening. If I catch myself in stages 1 or 2, I take a deep breath and try to lean into empathic listening. When I do, the conversation takes a turn, we drop to a deeper place, and it’s like the whole world around us goes quiet. That’s when the real stuff starts to come out and only when it’s real, can we transform.

As you finish reading this, I encourage you to reflect on your own listening skills, the quality of your attention, the quality of your inner state,  and pay attention to your next conversation. The act of listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give to each other.

A Balancing Act for Better Meetings & Conversations

I love questions.  

I love them so much that I thought about getting a tattoo on my wrist that was a big green question mark to remind me to always be curious.  But then my friends told me I would look like The Riddler from Batman so I scrapped the idea.

Asking great questions is an art and takes skill, but with practice, anyone can be a great and curious inquirer.

Questions alone don’t create great conversations.  Balancing them with skilled advocacy can help people and teams get UNSTUCK in a meeting or avoid repeating the same old conversation.

Advocacy is expressing a view or making a statement about your position.

Inquiry is exploring the views of others through questions.

Advocacy and inquiry are the basic elements of any conversation.  

HOW you advocate and inquire determines the quality of the conversation.

When advocacy reveals the steps in your thinking and gives specific examples, it promotes learning.  When inquiry is effective, it seeks alternative views, probes others’ thinking and invites others to challenge your own thinking.

Reflection:  How much time do you spend in advocacy and inquiry?  Do certain people, meetings or situations bring out one more than the other?  Why do you think that is? What does that help you learn about yourself?  How effective is your team at balancing advocacy and inquiry?

Here are some suggestions to help you and others get better at these essential conversational skills:

Advocacy:

General rule:  making your thinking process visible to others

1. Share your data and what you know.
2. Tell others about your reasoning and thought processes.
3. Be aware of your assumptions and acknowledge them to others (this takes practice and self awareness).
4. Test your conclusions rather than treating them like fact.
5. Invite and explore alternative interpretations of the data.

Sounds like:  ”Here’s what I think and how I got there.  What do you think about what I just said and what can you add?   What flaws/missing links do you see?”

Inquiry:  

General rule:  ask open ended questions to promote further exploration 

1. Ask questions that surface reasoning and data.
2. Seek alternative views.
3. Stay curious.

Sounds like:  ”What are we missing?  Can you give me an example? What assumptions are we making?  What obstacles could get in our way of success?  What would it take to ________ ?  What’s everyone’s definition of __________ ?”

Action:  Pay attention this week and see how much time you and your team spends in advocacy or inquiry.   At your next meeting look for patterns of being higher in one or the other.  Ask yourself, and others, “What would it take for us to balance these?”  Start a dialogue by asking, “What would it take for us to change the quality of our meetings and our conversations?”  Use this blog and the resources below to help educate yourself and your team on how to be more effective at leveraging your meetings to promote learning, creativity and innovation.

For additional resources on advocacy and inquiry, you might want to check out:

• Dialogue:  The Art of Thinking Together by William Isaacs
• and the article from the Society of Organizational Learning:  http://www.solonline.org/pra/tool/inquiry.html which gives specific examples and verbiage to use when practicing these two skills in a conversation.

• Cause for Pause

  What triggers you? What types of things really get to you? Read my new blog on managing and understanding your triggers.

• Check out my latest blog entries

  • 10 Questions I Ask When I’m Stuck
  • A Potato Dumpling Made Me a Better Person
  • Why Getting My Cell Phone Stolen in Brussels Was a Good Thing
  • What Does Your Organization Smell Like?
  • Understanding & Managing Your Triggers

• Here’s a Conversation Starter

  How much of your day, and work day, is filled with joy? What brings you joy?