Uncategorized : The Soul Purpose

Understanding & Managing Your Triggers

I was in a conversation with two of my dearest friends yesterday and I was triggered by something one of my friends said.  I could feel a stir in my stomach and a slow steady rise of heat coming to my throat.

I don’t know what stars were aligned yesterday that allowed me to pause and notice that I was getting triggered, but I’ll take whatever it was because it prevented me from doing the less conscious thing:  react immediately and say something I might regret.

Think of a trigger like an internal switch.  It gets switched on when we react to something.  It’s usually something we don’t like or have a negative reaction to.  Triggers left unattended can turn into anger, sarcasm, or other negative or potentially harmful consequences.

Learning to become aware of when we’re triggered is an important part of increasing our self awareness and emotional intelligence.  It also increases our ability to communicate honestly and authentically with others, and build and foster trusting relationships.

Trigger Management

“Trigger Management” requires a certain level of inner quiet and self reflection to understand what the trigger is about.  But first, a few things have to happen.

1)  We have to notice in the first place that we’re being triggered.  If we have a certain level of awareness, we should notice a change in our body somewhere.  Some examples:  tightness in the chest, lump in the throat, stir in the stomach, sweat in the palms, racing in the heart.  Our bodies can be a first signal/communication that we’re being triggered and we don’t like what we’re hearing, experiencing, or seeing.

2)  Once we recognize that we’re getting triggered, we have an opportunity to pause.  A very helpful thing to do is simply breathe. One deep breathe is good, three is great.  This gives us some separation from the trigger and allows us to recognize it and not avoid it through reaction.

3)  After we pause, you can then explore the trigger, but the exploration process depends on the situation you’re in.  The ultimate situation is the one I was in yesterday.  I was with two of my dearest friends, our level of trust with one another is as high as it can get, we’ve known each other for years, and we have no hidden agendas with one another.  So I was able to actually state out loud, “I’m getting triggered by something you just said and I’m just wondering what that is.”  We paused, I recognized the exact statement that triggered me and what it was triggering (in my case, my feelings were hurt), and we talked it through.  And 3 minutes later, my trigger went away, we dropped it and moved on.

Other situations, like in the heat of things at work or when you’re with your boss, aren’t conducive for saying, “I’m getting triggered by something and I’d like to explore what that is.”  Saying that in certain situations can get your job triggered!  In those situations, here’s what I recommend you do:

  • Notice you’re getting triggered
  • Take a few breaths
  • Be careful about your next move:  words, reactions or making  decisions. Most important:  don’t act or react from a place of being triggered.  It will most likely be a heated or energized response that could be blurred or lack objectivity.
  • Try to contain your trigger and separate from it, and deal with it later where you can explore it.

The Exploration Process

When you do have time to explore the trigger, ask yourself a few questions:

  • What was the exact thing (words, actions, experience, etc.) that started the trigger?
  • What is it about that particular thing that triggers me?
  • What is my story about that kind of thing?
  • Have I ever been triggered by this in the past, or something similar?
  • Where might that pattern come from?
  • What would it take for me to not be triggered by this “thing?”  (remember, the answer can’t be anything like:  that person goes away, that person stops the behavior, that person/thing/situation changes – so I don’t have to deal with it!)
  • What’s at risk if I let go of my attachment or belief to the story I have about that “thing?”

Projection

The most important thing to remember about triggers is not to project on to others.  You know you’re projecting when you wish someone or something would be different.  You hear yourself saying things like, “If only they weren’t like x, y, z.”  ”If only she were a different.”  Whenever you project, you’re avoiding your own stuff, and probably not taking ownership of your own triggers.

I encourage you to pay attention in the next week and see if you can recognize when you’re getting triggered.   Also, do some reflection to ask yourself if there is a pattern in the types of things that cause you to get triggered, and explore that pattern more deeply.   When you “strike when the iron is cold” you can separate from the story/trigger/pattern and see what it will take to shift that pattern for yourself so you’re no longer triggered by it.

July 29, 2010 | Filed Under Blog, Communication, Self Awareness, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

Deep Listening

I have learned a few things over the years about listening and communication.

  • People want to be heard and if you give them a chance to share, they will.
  • The quality of your questions determine the quality of the conversation.
  • The quality of your energy and presence has a direct impact on what is shared.
  • The way you listen determines what you really hear.

In a world of sound bytes, rapid pace, and electronic connection, we’re losing our ability to listen. It is only through this ability that real innovation, change, and relationship can happen.

Here are some suggestions on how to enhance our listening skills at home and in our organizations.

People want to be heard

Most often I find that my clients, who really feel they’re good listeners and generally are good listeners, have not set up the right structures or environment for listening and sharing to really happen. Intentions are good, but we unconsciously block what we’re trying to allow.

Here are some easy changes you can make:

Meeting structures and agendas: do we allow time to check in and check out and let people share what’s going on in life as well as work before we “get down to work?”

Do we have spaces in our office that invite conversation and sharing to happen? Not meeting rooms: conversation rooms – places to rest and share and reflect together without tables or physical barriers that come between people?

Do we commit to and stick to one on one time with each other and allow ourselves to witness, learn and share?

Are our large scale meetings set up for sharing and conversation or just top down feedback and data dump?

When have we last asked the question:  “what would it take for us to create an environment that increases our ability to listen and share?”

Quality Questions

Learning how to ask quality questions takes years of practice. Quality questions are those that cause someone to pause….to take a deep breathe and reflect. You know you’ve asked a quality question when the person responds, “Wow. That’s a really good question.”

As part of my consulting process, I conduct stakeholder interviews. By asking a group of individuals the same questions, we can discover patterns in the system and understand what is trying to emerge. I have found that the order of these questions also makes a difference as we want to create a safe and comfortable place for storytelling to happen and for truth to be spoken.

Here are some of my favorite questions (many from which came from The Presencing Institute.) What are yours? Be disciplined about reflecting on your inquiry skills and think about what questions change conversations and create connections and which ones don’t.

  1. Describe your leadership journey and how you got to “here”
  2. What significant challenges have you experienced in this journey and how did you deal with those challenges?
  3. What are your core values in life? What’s most important to you?
  4. If you were to give your child advice for living in one word, what word would you choose?
  5. What is a life motto or words you live by?
  6. In order for you to be successful, what do you need to learn and what do you need to let go of?
  7. What wants to happen here? What is waiting to emerge if we just let it?
  8. Why are you here and what do you want?

The quality of your energy and presence

I just had the privilege of spending the day with Otto Scharmer from the Presencing Institute, an event hosted by The Heartland Institute.

I believe he said it best:  we need to move from “I think, therefore I am” (Descartes) to “I attend this way therefore it emerges that way.”

I have learned time and time again, that what I do before a conversation, interview or a day with a group, affects the quality of my energy and presence during the interaction.

Too many times I had an early morning interview or session and my typical habits got the best of me: I’m not a morning person, I wake up late, I have to skip meditation and yoga practice, and I rush out to the door to walk in right when we’re about to start.

NOT GOOD.

In fact, it’s down right irresponsible of me.

I’m still learning, but what I do know is that spending time to tend to the quality of my own presence has a direct impact on every interaction I have. So, at a minimum, I take a breath, try to find a quiet space by myself, and clear my head. Ideally, I spend 30 minutes meditating, do my yoga practice, sip my coffee slowly, fuel with a healthy breakfast, and create a sense of presence.

But this is just the beginning.  A great beginning, but just the start.  This requires a life review in many respects.  How does our life style impact our inner state?  Do we create space for reflection, exercise, balance, creativity?  Do we have routines in place that allow for reflection and growth.  You’ll be amazed at how your state of mind affects how you see the world AND the energy and the interactions around you.

We need to slow down to speed up. Our bodies, hearts, mind and spirit are dying for us to give them some breathing space. When you do, you’ll be amazed at how different your experience and outcome is.

The Way We Listen

Listening is a skill that is learned. Leaders and practitioners who are skilled at listening, can clear the way for greatness to happen.

Otto, in his book The U Theory, describes four levels of listening. I think most of us get stuck in the first two:

  1. Downloading: listening from a place of knowing and reconfirming your own world views. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that already” is the inner voice.
  2. Factual: paying attention to facts, words, data only and comparing it to what you already know – is it similar or different. “Look at that: this is similar or different to what I think” and you respond based on that similarity or difference.
  3. Empathic: we listen from a deeper level of understanding – a place of connection with someone else or something else and connect from a deep place. This is where true dialogue can happen and often, when it does, profound shifts are made in both parties. “I know how you feel” is often the sense.  We forget ourselves in the conversation and create space.
  4. Generative: By the end of the conversation, you’re no longer the same person. Generative listening changes people because it requires us to listen from a source deep within us – one not controlled by our head or even our heart – but from a capacity to connect to the highest future possibility or something that wants to emerge.

Every time I talk to someone, I try to check in on my quality of listening. If I catch myself in stages 1 or 2, I take a deep breath and try to lean into empathic listening. When I do, the conversation takes a turn, we drop to a deeper place, and it’s like the whole world around us goes quiet. That’s when the real stuff starts to come out and only when it’s real, can we transform.

As you finish reading this, I encourage you to reflect on your own listening skills, the quality of your attention, the quality of your inner state,  and pay attention to your next conversation. The act of listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give to each other.

May 11, 2009 | Filed Under Blog, Uncategorized | 1 Comment 

A Balancing Act for Better Meetings & Conversations

I love questions.  

I love them so much that I thought about getting a tattoo on my wrist that was a big green question mark to remind me to always be curious.  But then my friends told me I would look like The Riddler from Batman so I scrapped the idea.

Asking great questions is an art and takes skill, but with practice, anyone can be a great and curious inquirer.

Questions alone don’t create great conversations.  Balancing them with skilled advocacy can help people and teams get UNSTUCK in a meeting or avoid repeating the same old conversation.

Advocacy is expressing a view or making a statement about your position.

Inquiry is exploring the views of others through questions.

Advocacy and inquiry are the basic elements of any conversation.  

HOW you advocate and inquire determines the quality of the conversation.

When advocacy reveals the steps in your thinking and gives specific examples, it promotes learning.  When inquiry is effective, it seeks alternative views, probes others’ thinking and invites others to challenge your own thinking.

Reflection:  How much time do you spend in advocacy and inquiry?  Do certain people, meetings or situations bring out one more than the other?  Why do you think that is? What does that help you learn about yourself?  How effective is your team at balancing advocacy and inquiry?

Here are some suggestions to help you and others get better at these essential conversational skills:

Advocacy:

General rule:  making your thinking process visible to others

  1. Share your data and what you know.
  2. Tell others about your reasoning and thought processes.
  3. Be aware of your assumptions and acknowledge them to others (this takes practice and self awareness).
  4. Test your conclusions rather than treating them like fact.
  5. Invite and explore alternative interpretations of the data.

Sounds like:  ”Here’s what I think and how I got there.  What do you think about what I just said and what can you add?   What flaws/missing links do you see?”

Inquiry:  

General rule:  ask open ended questions to promote further exploration 

  1. Ask questions that surface reasoning and data.
  2. Seek alternative views.
  3. Stay curious.

Sounds like:  ”What are we missing?  Can you give me an example? What assumptions are we making?  What obstacles could get in our way of success?  What would it take to ________ ?  What’s everyone’s definition of __________ ?”

Action:  Pay attention this week and see how much time you and your team spends in advocacy or inquiry.   At your next meeting look for patterns of being higher in one or the other.  Ask yourself, and others, “What would it take for us to balance these?”  Start a dialogue by asking, “What would it take for us to change the quality of our meetings and our conversations?”  Use this blog and the resources below to help educate yourself and your team on how to be more effective at leveraging your meetings to promote learning, creativity and innovation.

For additional resources on advocacy and inquiry, you might want to check out:

  • Dialogue:  The Art of Thinking Together by William Isaacs
  • and the article from the Society of Organizational Learning:  http://www.solonline.org/pra/tool/inquiry.html which gives specific examples and verbiage to use when practicing these two skills in a conversation.

December 1, 2008 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment